changed forever.

last week i had the blessed opportunity to go to haiti a second time and volunteer for project medishare. this second experience has only reaffirmed the fact that making the decision to go down there has changed who i am forever. as a nurse. as a person. as a friend. and forgive me if you're uncomfortable with religious talk (never really was very good at it), but also as a child of God.

before i embarked on something like this, i was a bit lost....being married to the most wonderful man alive gives me some kind of direction, sure. but as time goes on, i continue to be pressured by societal expectations regarding the natural progression of aging (listen to me, as if i was getting "old!"). no seriously, though, the same questions are always flying my way: "when you are going to have kids? you don't want to wait too long!" "are you going to move out of the city into a bigger house?" "what are you going to do with your career now, grad school?"

of course, my answers are always the same. "i'm not ready." "george is going to grad school, and i don't want to do it until he gets closer to graduation." and there was always this sense of guilt i have about my decisions. am i being irresponsible by waiting too long? am i not growing up the way i should be? where is my life really going? am i just getting stagnant?

then my friend lola came back from a volunteer mission trip to haiti back in march. after the quake, i played with the idea of going there to help with disaster relief. but i was afraid. i wasn't experienced w/first response disaster relief, and as everyone knows, it was hard to know what group was trustworthy to travel with, especially to such an unstable environment. i trust lola's judgement, and she came back in one piece, happy, and ready to go back again. so she planned a trip for may, and i took the plunge, signed up, bought my ticket, and off i went.

i talk a little bit about the experience in the blogs below. i still can't even describe how it was for me that week in its entirety. i've told people bits and pieces here and there over the last few months, and i've tried putting the experience in one blog post, but its pretty much nearly impossible. however, i will touch upon two things that stand out regarding that first week.

1. it has changed my perspective on nursing as a profession altogether. i've always known that practicing nursing is different in other countries. hell, its different even between US coasts (i've only known the west coast version). and i knew it would be different in a disaster relief, third world setting. but you are never prepared, i think, for how its really going to be until you drop your bags and are told to run, across gravel and wooden planks, into a tent, into a tiny "ICU" sectioned off by tarp. it smells of sweat, of urine, there are no sinks to wash your hands with, full fly traps hang above you and your patients...and on top of trying to acclimate to this environment, you are asked to function they way you do at home. well, to the best of your ability with the resources you have. i was asked recently what one of the biggest differences between nursing at home and nursing with Medishare. and i think its the same answer no matter what developing country you volunteer with...lack of resources. not only do you change your mindset to realizing you have limited supplies at your disposable, you realize that you've got much less access to technology that we take for granted here in the states. super high tech monitors (good thing i spent 2 years on a med-surg floor taking manual BPs before i became an ICU nurse where all you do is push a button). lab tests that i can order left and right AND be accurate (those iSTAT machines down there are iffy). a centralized O2 and suction system built in the walls of the hospital (all portable tanks and regulators, the tanks had to be manually changed out). Alaris IV pumps (yup, better get reacquainted with drip calculations, you didn't take math for nothing). and forget about a back up generator (power goes out, get ready to bag those vented pts). in a way, nursing in this environment is really fun and it challenges you, makes you realize how much you really know, how much you don't know, and how quickly you can learn to adapt, and whether or not this is cut out for you. its not for some people, but i gotta say i loved it. still do, why else did i go again. anyway, i've really learned not to take things for granted at home, not to be so wasteful.

(wow, this is getting longer than i intended!)

2. i read somewhere recently that when we do service work like this, its important to strive for not just charity, but also solidarity. what does that even mean? i see it as the need the remember what you are doing, why, and for whom, otherwise its meaning is diminished. the people you are serving are not some separate entity blocked off by an invisible wall that you can ignore while you are there and forget about when you leave. sure, its a good thing for anyone to sacrifice their time, their resources, and take the big risk of flying down there. people go down there for different reasons. some people go because they want to "make a difference." they want to "help people." hate to say this, but, even if they don't admit to it, some go for bragging rights, to say they've done such great work that would look good on a resume. i would like to believe i'm am not so shallow, but i will admit, my own reasons for going were for some broad sense of giving back to the world what it has afforded me (my parents have always reminded me that they came from much less luxurious conditions than what i've been blessed with. not that we're super rich or anything, but my mom always talks about all the great things that i've had in my life that she never had back in the PI). so of course i get down there, i'm amidst all the chaos, and eventually i get over myself, get acclimated to the environment, and finally start seeing the people. the patients. their families. even the local haitian workers. every evening i wake up and march over to work and i hear all 100 or so of them singing in prayer together. there's a doorman sitting at the tent i work in who opens the door for everyone who walks in, and he opens the door with a smile. within a few days my initial shyness dissipates and i start asking a few local staff some questions. who they are, how old they are, where do they live, what kind of music they like, how they learned their english. i will have to admit, i was a little scared of them. sounds weird, but i guess i wasn't sure if i was going to be able to connect with them in a way that was meaningful, that i just wouldn't be able to understand these people who live in such a country and have experienced the horror of the earthquake so recently. i felt inadequate and ignorant. but, the wonderful people they are, they opened up to me, made me feel at ease in their quiet, loving way, and it dawned on me that they are the same as you or i. people who love, laugh, cry, the same way i do. and i realized that the real reason i came down to do this kind of thing was for the people. it could have been me, i could have been born in this country, been subject to the things these people have had to go through. i am not above them, i am not less than them (well, in all honestly, i kind of think they are BETTER than me in many many ways). humanity is the same all across the board regardless of where you are. finally connecting with the people made me realize that i am doing this to for them, and with them. to show them love and to offer them a sense of hope that can only come with being in solidarity with them. sure, one week isn't enough to make huge changes on such large scale problems, but the one week you spend there gives them the message that you care, that you are side by side with them in whatever plight they are in. that's what i got out of it all, anyway. i had to keep reminding myself this when i got home, otherwise the crushing guilt of leaving after a week was going to annihilate me. still have to remind myself every day.

ok, those blurbs took much longer to flesh out than i thought! see, its so difficult to describe things in one blog...guess the blogging about my second week will be benched for next time. back to my original intent of this blog post. i was discussing how lost i was feeling about my life before i flew to PAP back in may. well, now i have some sort of sense of direction, at least for the near future. kids will come eventually, but not in the next few years. i've recently told someone that my job at home has become a means to an end. although its a great job and i'm happy to be in a position to help people, i now know i can offer more to people who really really need it, and doing things like going to haiti is the real reason i went into a field involving some kind of service to people. right now my heart is focused on haiti, but who knows where else i could end up going, what i could end up doing. if i had just made better decisions in the past about money, i'd have more to spare to spend on longer term trips more often. i'm kicking myself in the ass for not being more responsible, if i had known this was where my life was going to take me, i'd go back in time and change a lot of things. but, can't do anything about that now. instead, i'll just take things day by day, month by month, and do the best i can. i can make better decisions now about my time and money (those frequent shopping binges have come much fewer and farther in between since may...and they are always accompanied by a twinge of guilt).

i am truly lucky.